Unloved Again: Breaking Your Serial Addiction by Golomb Elan

Author:Golomb, Elan [Golomb, Elan]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: iUniverse
Published: 2015-11-29T16:00:00+00:00

We Hold on to Being Unloved

Loyalty can be a very strange thing when it has to do with our parents. Loyalty can be good or bad, depending on how you define it. If loyalty to another person means being disloyal to yourself, it is bad for you. But what if in your childhood, your parent(s) turned the meaning of loyalty on its head? Loyalty to the needs of certain kinds of parents will have a profoundly negative influence on your life.

Self-centered parents assume that a loyal child will perform self-sacrifice when the parent needs the child to do something that is adverse to the child. The parent may be so self-indulgent that he or she doesn’t see the child’s surrender as self-harming, or sees but discredits it as a loss. Their thinking paints a rosy picture. If what the child does is good for them, they believe that it “benefits” the child. A submissive child is considered “good.”

Insecure parents who need to inflate their self-importance push the children into their cheering squad. Such parents have to be seen as better than everyone else at things they consider important (if not at everything), including those that are done by the children. The children are treated as inferior or as identical so that both of them are “the greatest.”

If a parent is an “I am better than you” person, then the child is one of the inferior “others.” The child who is treated as a servant, as a failure, as a ne’er-do-well, follows the parent’s directives so has trouble acquiring new skills—or the child learns but is unable to show them. One woman, whose father endlessly put her down, failed a typing test for a clerical job although she types like a whiz when alone. She takes no credit for the excellent work she can do, and she quakes in her shoes if she is asked to meet the boss or to receive an award for excellence! Only her father can be the star.

In the social arena, she thinks no man can be interested in her and runs away from those who stop at her desk to say hello. She keeps her eyes down at church, and feels terribly lonely and bereft. She also believes that social isolation is her fate, even that she deserves it.

If you don’t understand why you do it, you will be unable to surrender your self-restraint, especially since you are in secret accord with the parent who demands it. Children affiliate how they see themselves and what they do within their parents’ system of need, even if they verbally protest it. The issue of surviving shapes their hand.

Many adults dislike the idea of engaging in a deep review, since this includes experiencing their one-time suffering. Why should I suffer these terrible feelings again? They say, I should just move on. If only you could move on that way, but you can’t. You have to feel what you felt when your parent abused you in order to develop the motivation to give up your unhealthy adaptation to a victimized relationship.

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